Kiefer not Kiefe

soooo...yeah

2007-12-11T04:40:43Z

My life officially sux. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm never going to find the one. I'm never going to get married. I'm never going to have children. I'm going to be alone and I'm going to be a work-a-holic. But that's okay because I'll own lots of cats. in my one bedroom apartment in LA.

I'm what you could call a pre-spinster. i can see it coming. and because my mother believes in self fulfilling proficy that makes it true. so i will make myself single my whole life.

i broke up with him because part of me was not ready for something he was looking for. a serious relationship. he was also out of my league and that intimidated me. he needed someone he could take to the venetian. someone he could take home with him and brag about. im not that person.

i feel like i've become more of that person over the years. niether of us had seen anyone since we were a thing. i was convinced that because of that we must be made for each other. its been years and if we still have feelings for each other, what else could it be?

i graduated. when we said goodbye it was obvious that we had feelings for eachother. obvious. to me.

i emailed him. got his email from my year book. he left it for me. and he emailed back. and i read too much into "he need to hang out". i was on top of the world. i want to see him again.

then he told me about his "friend". why doesnt he just come out and say that he's dating someone????? he's eating christmas dinner at her house. he got a myspace because she wanted him to. thats so him. i guess it's better that he's with her. eating christmas dinner at her house? that sounds like a wonderful family. i could never see my family accepting someone new. they barely accept me. maybe my dads side.

i just...

i must really love him because i've never felt so hurt. i just keep telling myself he's better off. i hate that always being the case. i helped david out with whatser name from our art class because he's better off with her. i guess ill always be that girl. the one you see bowing out of the room when two people form an attachment.

yep.

heyo!

2007-11-13T21:30:24Z

dude,

college is hard! I try really hard to study for a test but then i do way worse than i think. Seriously if I had worked in high school as much as im working now, I would have gotten a full ride to Yale or something. I'm constantly doing homework. I just hope I do better next semester than my non 4.0 this semester.

and! the website that i used to watch doctor who when it came out in the UK rather than waiting a year for it to come out in the US is gone. how am I going to watch it now?? *falls on her un vaccumed floor and pounds her fists in vain*

oh and i was re reading some of my earlier entries and i found one from when i hurt my knee. and everyone was talking about vicodin, and how aubrey got sick but jei would get hi. well, guys, now i have had vicodin! yay for oral surgery! and seriously, it didnt make me sick because with my mouth constantly bleeding i was always sick. it did make me sleepy and sleeping all the time helped a lot. that plus all the old doctor who i got from blockbuster.

dudes, you dont even want to know how obsessed i have become with doctor who. I have a doctor who wristwatch that is how much of a loser i am. doctor who bedsheets you already know. doctor who backpack. doctor who toothbrush now. i love ebay. the fun never stops. thank you dad for the spending money because online shopping is very therapudic. packages make you happy! its like christmas. therefore, ebay is good for the soul. and so is doctor who.

almost there

2007-09-06T22:31:49Z

so the cable works now!

so im not going to die. apparrantly i get HBO too, which is funny cuz you have to pay for it and im not paying for it... so ... i dont know how i get it but i do.

classes are hard. but i think ill get used to it.

my new life

2007-09-03T22:40:14Z

I moved in to my dorm. class starts tomorrow. my room mate rocks. we get along almost too much. we are so much alike. she's a theater major. we both have serious movie addictons so that works out.

I bought a super cool microwave today. it was hella expensive but I had to get it. a mini fridge will be arriving soon within the month.

showering is so wierd. it kinda sux. the focet sux. and then when im done i have to run down a hall with nothin on but a short robe. i basically have to wash my fruit in the bathroom too. I still have a giant suitcase in my car too. i dont know when i can bring that up the three flights of stairs to my room.

Plus my cable doesn't work on my tv for some reason. I have to ask my RA about that.

theres that one feeling i get

2007-08-30T21:09:50Z

When ever I go somewhere, for the first about 2 or 3 days, I get really sick for where ever I was last. I think I have a problem with change. Maybe I'm just freaked out about what happens next.

still here

2007-08-30T06:17:11Z

I still haven't finished the 7th Harry Potter. I don't really know if I want to. Maybe when I have nothing to do before school starts. Which wont be possible because I have to get my text books and a mini fridge and a microwave and a drivers license and i have to go to weight watchers ASAP.

I got sucked into one of the carts that sell things you dont need but you think you do so you overpay anyway today. I bought this thing that makes your nails really shiny. I got one for free too. So if you really want it just let me know and if I think you'll use it I 'll ship it to you. My nails are really shiny though and it got out my orangey nail polish stain. Still not worth the 60 bucks.

ive been watching the new doctor who on this website

2007-06-02T22:30:12Z

so ive been watching the third season of the new doctor who and the doctor sai something that made me laugh so hard i fell over!

Jones: so all that magic stuff is real? It's all a bit Harry Potter to me.

Doctor: wait till you read book 7. i cried.

tonights closing night by the way. pretty sure im gonna break down and cry at the end. good bye theater! ill try to see you again some day.

Who can you trust?...really?

2007-05-29T05:24:49Z

I just listened to a story that my dad has told me at least 3 times now over the years. something about my mom being pissed at him for spending three thousand dollars on the car he wanted instead of the house my mom wanted. He must have explained it more thuroughly this time because i really think he was the jerk.

the irony of the lecture was that the purpose was to explain why he wont let me take the car to arizona to sell over the summer. he said my mom would sell it for more than its worth, buy me a cheaper car and pocket the leftover money. The reason why I was asking was because my mom wanted to buy me a 3,000 dollar car and wanted to see if she could trade the old one in for maybe a 6,000 dollar car for the same price. shes GIVING me 3,000 dollars. i feel like crying.

So I had to sit through my dad explaining that the reason why his last girl friend he was going to marry broke up with him was because of my mother. What happened was my mom called him while he was at her house and he has no self control. He screamed (and I mean SCREAAAAAAMED louder than a fucking DI [and I know the man does it because he has to me once] ) at my mother at his girlfriend's house. He could have at least gone outside of her hearing or left her house whatever. If I had heard anyone do that I would never want to see them again. That's how I felt when he did it to me and he still hasn't apologized. The man is insane. He's paranoid.

The good part is now I don't have to worry about selling the BMW. He said I abandoned it. I did. I just wasn't sure that he wasn't going to make me have it because he didnt want it. All in all, good news.

update

2007-04-28T00:48:26Z

just alittle update. Im directing the last Zeiger show ever. Thats fun. About as fun as staying at school for zillions of hours every week which is what im doing. i havent been able to sleep in since Guys and Dolls. or arizona. oh well, ill probably be bored in college.

plopsy?

2007-04-02T05:11:11Z

i got my three dollars back!

the nurse took it. how wierd is that? i found it in her desk when i was looking for vikadin(sp?). jk. she gave it to me. i finally used it to buy lunch. yay.

This is obviously not my year...

2007-03-20T04:00:49Z

It's Wednesday morning. I've just got back from an AMAZING day at Universal Studios which to me beats Disneylands ass any day. I'm sorry but Charlie is way cooler than Mickey. Anyway, it's my first morning without a first period. I chill in the library until the bell rings for second period. Do I have to go to second period though? nope. We're putting on an invitational performance for Dana Junior High. The auditorium (PAC) is packed with sixth graders! It's going to be our biggest audience so far.

I get ready in the usual fashion. I'm the only one who gets dressed in the bathroom instead of the dressing room because ... Well I'm fat and I shave my legs weeks apart. I wear pants okay! Plus it's still too cold to wear shorts, not like I own any anyway.

The show starts. I do my scene. I go back stage with nothing to do but worry about when I'm going to be able to eat lunch. I get three dollars from my wallet. I wander alittle outside to see if the lunch carts are out yet. They aren't so I go back inside with the money still in my hand. I'm in a good mood and start to dance to the Cuban music over the cue speaker. I see ariel who plays big julie in the show and we think its funny if the general dances with the biggest criminal in the story. We dance. She makes me do some twirling. I'm used to being the guy these days as I can't find a male partner ever. I'm clumsy and fall backwards over a chair. I twist my leg. Fall on my ass. My leg feels like it never twisted back. I look at it and my kneecap is on the side of my leg. I'm literally missing the bulge on the top of my leg and have one on my side.

So I'm sitting on the floor and my first reaction is a whispered (cuz we're backstage in the drama room) "ooooooow!"

I start clutching my knee and am just amazed at the pain. I don't think I've ever been in that much pain. By that time Ariel is freaked.

She's like, "oh my god are you okay?"

I poke my knee and try to move it back into place. It hurts way too much for me to do it myself. Having been in a medical emergency situation before when I was a freshman and a friend got his head popped open and bleeding all over the carpet at military ball I knew exactly what to do.

"Get help, please. Now. Get help," I pant. The people in the room ran to get the teacher next door and Sarah went to get the nurse. Ms.Gardham, the drama teacher was on stage.

"wow, this hurts alot, you guys" I'm informing the remaining people in the room and now some new people who came in to stare. They werent being rude. They were in the show and knew me. They must have been concerned. I found a hand on my shoulder in no time. I didn't know who it was but I answered questions and she helped me lean against something to make me more comfortable. Then the nurse came in. She introduced herself, because she was new and she isnt in employment very often, and told me I was lucky she was there. Hell yeah I was. She called the paramedics.

When she told me she called the paramedics a panic struck me. I hadn't shaved in like three weeks. The lady behind me whom I now found out was a teacher (I thought she was a girl in the show whom I just didn't know) let me know that they are probably going to cut my costume pants to take a look at my leg. How dramatic, I thought. The whole situation was like watching a movie. How could something like that happen to me? "This would be so cool if it weren't happening to me," I joked. The people around me laughed nervously, probably to make me feel better. Or maybe i actually was providing much needed comic relief. Ironic that the person providing drama should provide comic relief.

I actually told alot of jokes just to keep people from freaking me out. Probably to keep myself from freaking out. I really didn't want to scare people. Crying hadn't really occured to me other than the fact that I didn't want to or else it would elevate the situation. I do panic though when the Cuba scene is over and people start pouring in from back stage. David Deriker is at my side. That boy is my hero. He offers to hold my hand but I dont want to remove it from my knee. He helps keep my mind off the pain and my vision starts to blur from it. He asks me questions about Universal. I answer thankfully. Then I look at his concerned blue eyes (which Ive adored ever since he dressed up as charlie chaplin when I was a sophmore and I considered proposing to him for fun) and tell him how nice he is and how much of a good person he is.

This all happened in a matter of minutes. So much happened I can't even put it all here or I'd be up 'til ten at night. So to start getting on with the story- I start asking everyone to move away from me. I don't want people to see my disgustingly pale hairy legs. I make jokes to prepare people. "kay guys...im gonna have to let you know that i havent shaved in like three weeks and its gonna look realleh nasty."

"Oh dont worry, honey. No one is going to care. They are all on your side. They are all concerned for you. They wont care," The lady behind me tells me.

I smile and tell people they can leave. David stays. He's my hero.

Ms. Gardham comes in and looks at me on the floor. I apologize profusely. I ruined the show. I'm so sorry. She tells me not to worry about a thing. I tell everyone i'm sorry. I tell the nurse, the teacher lady, and now the security lady who has walked in. She looks at me like I'm a puppy thats been run over by a car in the street. She tells me the paramdics are on their way.

The next sequence that happens happened all jumbled so to keep from flip flopping dialogue and who's doing what I'll just put it down out of order by who did it. stream of consciousness:

During the hooplah the security lady asked me for my dads number. i dont know. i tell her its in my cell phone. my cell phone is in my backpack. with the buttons. the one that says "before you celebrate designate" on it. David and the security lady search through my bag. david says it smells minty. (i feel bad that he had to dig through my emergency tampons. hes my hero). they cant find it. stupid me. its in my pants. in the girls dressing room. with the rainbow belt. they find it. i dont know what they did after...i think i left...

What I was doing during that was lying on the ground smiling at people who looked at me like I was a dying puppy. "I'm okay, guys, really. You can go. No seriously guys, I haven't shaved in forever. You don't want to see this."

The principal walked in. She knows me by name. "aww Heidi," she says. I smile. I can't wave cuz I'm holding my knee.

Then the paramedics arrive. One by one I wait for women. At least ONE woman please. NO! they're all guys! And they're all really hot! That is so not fair! I smile and wave. "Hi guys! Sup?" (and yeah...it is possible for me to be that stupid in that amount of pain. EVERYBODY made a comment about how well I was handling the pain, about what a "trooper" I'm being. Did that make me feel less pain? no.)

They look at me on the floor and clear a space. They surround me and ask me questions. What's my name? Birthday? Age? I look over their shoulders at people staring at me. Then one of the hot guys opens a huge looking tackel box looking thing and i ask him about it. "hey is that like a fishing tackel box?"

"yeah but this was made for medical supplies"

"cool, could you buy that at a store?"

Then one of the other guys asked me to keep my attention on him. That would be easy because he was so hot! Then he cut open my pants. yeah. the hot man cut open my pants. eat your heart out liz harvey. That would probably sound better if my legs had been shaved in the last week or so.

Anyway, he has me point out where it hurts. Duh, I point to my knee. He meant where on my knee. The center. He puts an ice pack on it. maybe lower. i move it for him. he straps it on with gause and tape and stuff. The lady behind me struggles with two other people to get my General uniform coat off. I apologize for being difficult but it hurts. i take off my hat too but I still have the gray hair and stage makeup on my face to make me look 60 years older. Boy was I a looker that day.

I can't stand so when they wheel in the gurney type thingy they have to use this scooper type thing to get me off the floor. It takes four of the guys to lift me. To be fair to myself they didnt try to lift me with less dudes. I use the jacket to cover my hairy exposed leg and wave good bye to my fellow actors. The security lady follows.

It's now lunch time. The quad is filled with students. They all stop and look at me. I wave at my friends. I'm so embarrased that I start yelling out for people to go see Guys and Dolls tomorrow night at seven. "its gonna be crazy!" random people nod and say they'll go. mission accomplished. The security lady laughs and tells me im funny. I cant see the paramedic hotties but i hope they were cheerful looking.

The paramedic guys get me into the ambulance and one guy who's gonna sit with me for the ride up tells me his name is Joe (or I hope he said it was Joe because that's what i called him when i said good bye but i was in alot of pain when he said it). He asks he he could convince me into taking some pain medication. I said Heck Yes I want morphine!

He starts poking my arm to put in an IV. He has trouble finding a vein. I don't watch. He says he knows it hurts but he'll stop as soon as he gets the needle in. He's a nice hot guy so i tell him it's all good. I've given blood more than once so I'm not in any way bothered by needles. Compared to my leg I hardly felt it. he's says thats cool that ive given blood. he trys to connect with me by asking me how great i think it is to be eighteen. i dont really agree with him and sorta laugh but now that im outta sight of my friends i sober up. he asks me for my other arm, giving up on my left one. he gets it this time. i look at it for a while and watch a bubble go up the tube and what looked like into my arm. maybe it did. i didnt tell them. im not dead so i figured there was some sort of air trap in the tube. I did end up getting a REALLY nasty bruise on that arm though. It was about twice the size of a fun sized snickers bar. natasha took a picture with her cell phone. weird freshman.

anyway. right before we get moving he and his buddy in the back with me squeeze some morphine in my arm. They ask me to let them know when i feel it. It takes a while then I do. They aske me what it feels like. I had to catch myself from saying it felt like an orgasm, but it really did! I dont know, I'm a virgin. I do own a vibrator and a miniature glass dildo, however, and i have had an orgasm. If you havn't had morphine before, it's not that great. It's like being in pain while having an orgasm. It doesnt numb you at all. The pain was still there too. I get three doses (10 cc).

Instead of saying the latter to some really hot guys who were probably married, I have to think for a while...."warm and fuzzy" I spit out. They accept that and go on collecting info like my Soc. Sec. (which i luckily have memorized). The ambulance starts moving and every bump feels like someone tapping my knee cap on the side of my leg. I grab on to the side of the gurney im still on and to a wall. Whats my pain on a scale of 1-10? He asks for the third time that day. I dunno. I'm not dying. I'm not about to go for a jog either. 8? I try desperately not to sound like a wimp in front of the hot guy. Its now painful for me to hold back tears. But once it starts i cant stop. I dont start.

we get there. my dad is there waiting for me. i smile for him. the hot guys wheel me to to the hospital. i meet a doctor. stephan. stefan. i didnt know that was a real name. i just thought it was steven mispronounced. its hard for me to control my breathing by this point. and ppl are yell at me in through the nose out through the mouth and all that stuff.

They take me to get Xrays. i move myself onto the table thing and by this time i really cant stand the pain. i start to cry. I cant stop. They cant give me more morphine because ive had the loopy limit. my dad makes jokes with me to calm me down about greys anatomy. i really wished caley o'maley was there to pop me back into place. He said wouldnt it be great if i got McDreamy as my doctor?

I still cant stop crying and breathing funny from the pain. They call in a hard core doctor. The guy was the hottest guy I had ever seen! He looked like a mix between Michael Arden and Michael J Fox. I never got his name but I bet it was Michael... Im so embarrased about my hairy leg and my funny stage makeup but he looks at my leg and tells me he can just pop it back into place.

he said it would hurt though. or he could sedate me. he doesnt want to sedate me because of complications so i trust him but i dont want him to do it right there let me gather strength im looking away panicking....wait!...wait!

but he did it already. i look back. ...oh. "that was so anticlimactic" I sigh. Everyone laughs.

long story short (cuz its getting late now) i get a brace for 1-2 weeks. and my general character in the show gets a limp.

this is the bruise nearly a week later.

My dog BJ

2007-03-07T04:48:31Z

Bartholemew Jahosephat - BJ

that was my dog. that WAS my dog. They're gonna kill him. I'm never going to see him again. WHY? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I love you BJ. You have no idea how much this is going to fuck me up. Every time i go into the backyard I'm going to feel so alone. I don't think I'll be able to spend long periods of time out there ever again. Not without you.

You were always there for me. Why wasn't I ever there for you?

I'll miss how you would always shove your nose into my arm when ever i was typing so that you could have all my attention. I'll miss how you always wanted booty rubs. I'll miss how we would play "guess which hand the treat is in" and you would totally lose every time if i didnt let you win. I'll miss how you would sleep against the sliding glass door window so often that the white pane beneath it would turn brown. I'll miss how you totally went along with the lame tricks alanna taught you. High five? WTF was that? but you did it anyway. I'll miss how you would snore incredibly randomly when ever i was reading a book.

Ill fucking miss you so much. I'm sorry. im sorry imsorry

killing me

2007-02-22T04:24:49Z

AUBREY AND ASHLEY!!!

hey you know that movie i have that makes pretty much any chick salavate? Killing Me Softly? Yeah well i looked in my dvd box for the first time in like a year and its not there so if i accidently left it at your house or if i lent it to you and im having some kind of brain fart please let me know. i know its not at any of my other friends houses because im not good enough friends with any body here to show them that movie. besides jei but i know she doesnt have it because shes the person i wanted to lend it to. she hasnt seen it yet the poor thing.

so its prolly in my room or something but i dont remember watching it after arizona break. just wondering if you guys had seen it. it would save me a room clearing....a 10 day room clearing. i get psycho about missing things. you know.

aubrey

2007-02-19T04:48:37Z

The best way to get out of doing dishes is to convince your mom not to worry...about anything.

"you gotta think about the big picture, the universe, God.... you gotta not worry, be happy.

and yes the dishes will get done..."

My new Love

2007-02-19T01:40:29Z

So i went to see Ace the other night. Its now my favorite musical EVER! and that is really saying alot. watch this.

I think ill sleep instead.

2007-02-18T00:19:41Z

ug.

2007-02-16T01:16:01Z

what do i spend my moms money on? salads like a good little girl.

then i bought the 25$ pizza that i ate in one night cuz it was so worth 25$.

then i bought the gavin mikhail cd.

THEN I BOUGHT THE SONIC SCREWDRIVER!

cant wait till i get it.

how much is 8.99 pounds in dollars?

FREEDOM!

2007-02-12T17:42:24Z

im free! my dad will be gone for three whole days! i wont have to deal with his shit for three days. you have no idea how excited i am. he even actually gave me some money to live off of. i actually live better when hes not at home. its amazing. i cant wait to move out.

little kiefer

2007-02-08T00:58:30Z

so little kiefer has been on display for a while now and y dad still hasnt noticed. its not out of his view. maybe he just doesnt care. after all, i am 18.

i got my first f ever in math. it kinda sucks. then i have to ditch a rifle team match tomorrow. everyone is going to hate me for that.

then apparrantly i told a lie about giving some first years a higher rank. everyone thought i was just being evil for promising them ranks but i honestly WAS going to give it to them. i thought they were supposed to get them. they were my admin POs. i thought admin POs get to actually be POs. so the ones who werent POs get promoted. thats just what i thought. nobody told me otherwise! until today when i got the guilt trip. now i gotta tell all my admin pos that they dont get to be pos. i gotta let them know that im an idiot and they can have a pitty ribbon if they want.

god i wonder what everyone is thinking about me. its going around that im a lying bastard i can tell. well! im trying as hard as i can! im an idiot, i know! you hired me. you dont like me? fire me. i already lost my rank, my dignity. go ahead and take my pride.

heidiloveskiefe @ 2007-02-04T21:29:00

2007-02-05T05:29:20Z

Are you a Kiefer Sutherland FAN !!!!
A True Fan You are a true Kiefer Sutherland Fan!!!!Way to go
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

david tennant

2007-02-02T23:26:56Z

my new favorite passtime...

http://www.stardoll.com/en/dolls/465/David_Tennant.html

Guys and Dolls cont.

2007-01-31T00:26:07Z

The first thing we do for set building? we make a door.

"Excuse me for poking my nose in.."

2007-01-29T02:43:33Z

Jei-

I cried when i opened your card.

I came home to find my dad masterbating at his computer. I walk in and he comes to greet me at the door in a sweat shirt and his underwear. he walks around the house in his underwear all the time but he never comes to greet me ever.

so i go to my room to drop off my bag and i come out and hear some chick moaning on his computer which he doesnt bother to turn the volume down ever. im pretty sure that all our neighbors have been trying to plug thier ears all fucking day.

so ive had it and abandon doing laundry (which i see my dad has been doing!!! and ive been asking for quarters since christmas!!!! fucking christmas! ive been wearing dirty clothes since chriastmas!!!) and i go to my room and open your card trying to escape. and i lost it. you are a true friend. a real goddam friend. i wish i could be there for you as you are for me.

the doctor

2007-01-27T06:31:48Z

Which Doctor Who character are you?

The Doctor! You are brave, smart, handsome and just AMAZING! If you like Doctor Who try out my website www.freewebs.com/dalektime
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i usually dont like these kinds of videos but this one was good!

heidiloveskiefe @ 2007-01-26T21:37:00

2007-01-27T06:14:20Z

this sounds like aubrey

What type of spirit do you have? 6 detailed results! pix

Your spirit is a bit non conforming and open, just like air.Your spirit is open to pretty much anyone and anything, you are lazy and tend to be a wishful thinker. You are too hard on yourself and need to realize the true you is not nearly as strong as you would have hoped. You are a born leader and peacemaker, sometimes you know more about people than they know about themselves. Making you a compassionate person and a great counseler. You love helping people, but foget how overwhelming it is at times. You fee llike you have to be the strgong one in every situation so everyone will be happy. You hate the same old thing everyday, and infact routine gives you no motivation to move. You are a nice happy person most of the time, but when you get angry people will know. You would never backdown from a fight and no one usually picks one with you. You have a sharp tongue and fiery demeanor when in an argument. You fit in with everybody and are friends with anyone who isnt arrogant or completely rude.Your spirit is one of a leader and healer because of your Charisma and ability to help anyone and everyone.Color: PurpleWhat you are made out of: AireAnimal: Dog.You are a beautiful aray of many talents, just keep walking!Thanks for taking my quiz!
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Which Doctor Who Character Are You? (new Series)

You are Rose Tyler. You wonder what the Doctor sees in you because you think you're nothing special.
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Are you good enough to be a doctor who companion?

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which doctor who character r u?

The Doctorur very smart but alone, but u dont care.some times u think humans are waste of space. hmm...
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What Doctor Who Quote are you? (9 and 10 only)

Doctor 9: There's a banana growth there now. I like bananas, bananas are good.
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