My life officially sux. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm never going to find the one. I'm never going to get married. I'm never going to have children. I'm going to be alone and I'm going to be a work-a-holic. But that's okay because I'll own lots of cats. in my one bedroom apartment in LA.



I'm what you could call a pre-spinster. i can see it coming. and because my mother believes in self fulfilling proficy that makes it true. so i will make myself single my whole life.

i broke up with him because part of me was not ready for something he was looking for. a serious relationship. he was also out of my league and that intimidated me. he needed someone he could take to the venetian. someone he could take home with him and brag about. im not that person.

i feel like i've become more of that person over the years. niether of us had seen anyone since we were a thing. i was convinced that because of that we must be made for each other. its been years and if we still have feelings for each other, what else could it be?

i graduated. when we said goodbye it was obvious that we had feelings for eachother. obvious. to me.

i emailed him. got his email from my year book. he left it for me. and he emailed back. and i read too much into "he need to hang out". i was on top of the world. i want to see him again.

then he told me about his "friend". why doesnt he just come out and say that he's dating someone????? he's eating christmas dinner at her house. he got a myspace because she wanted him to. thats so him. i guess it's better that he's with her. eating christmas dinner at her house? that sounds like a wonderful family. i could never see my family accepting someone new. they barely accept me. maybe my dads side.

i just...

i must really love him because i've never felt so hurt. i just keep telling myself he's better off. i hate that always being the case. i helped david out with whatser name from our art class because he's better off with her. i guess ill always be that girl. the one you see bowing out of the room when two people form an attachment.

yep.

dude,

college is hard! I try really hard to study for a test but then i do way worse than i think. Seriously if I had worked in high school as much as im working now, I would have gotten a full ride to Yale or something. I'm constantly doing homework. I just hope I do better next semester than my non 4.0 this semester.

and! the website that i used to watch doctor who when it came out in the UK rather than waiting a year for it to come out in the US is gone. how am I going to watch it now?? *falls on her un vaccumed floor and pounds her fists in vain*

oh and i was re reading some of my earlier entries and i found one from when i hurt my knee. and everyone was talking about vicodin, and how aubrey got sick but jei would get hi. well, guys, now i have had vicodin! yay for oral surgery! and seriously, it didnt make me sick because with my mouth constantly bleeding i was always sick. it did make me sleepy and sleeping all the time helped a lot. that plus all the old doctor who i got from blockbuster.

dudes, you dont even want to know how obsessed i have become with doctor who. I have a doctor who wristwatch that is how much of a loser i am. doctor who bedsheets you already know. doctor who backpack. doctor who toothbrush now. i love ebay. the fun never stops. thank you dad for the spending money because online shopping is very therapudic. packages make you happy! its like christmas. therefore, ebay is good for the soul. and so is doctor who.

so the cable works now!

so im not going to die. apparrantly i get HBO too, which is funny cuz you have to pay for it and im not paying for it... so ... i dont know how i get it but i do.

classes are hard. but i think ill get used to it.

I moved in to my dorm. class starts tomorrow. my room mate rocks. we get along almost too much. we are so much alike. she's a theater major. we both have serious movie addictons so that works out.

I bought a super cool microwave today. it was hella expensive but I had to get it. a mini fridge will be arriving soon within the month.

showering is so wierd. it kinda sux. the focet sux. and then when im done i have to run down a hall with nothin on but a short robe. i basically have to wash my fruit in the bathroom too. I still have a giant suitcase in my car too. i dont know when i can bring that up the three flights of stairs to my room.

Plus my cable doesn't work on my tv for some reason. I have to ask my RA about that.

When ever I go somewhere, for the first about 2 or 3 days, I get really sick for where ever I was last. I think I have a problem with change. Maybe I'm just freaked out about what happens next.

I still haven't finished the 7th Harry Potter. I don't really know if I want to. Maybe when I have nothing to do before school starts. Which wont be possible because I have to get my text books and a mini fridge and a microwave and a drivers license and i have to go to weight watchers ASAP.

I got sucked into one of the carts that sell things you dont need but you think you do so you overpay anyway today. I bought this thing that makes your nails really shiny. I got one for free too. So if you really want it just let me know and if I think you'll use it I 'll ship it to you. My nails are really shiny though and it got out my orangey nail polish stain. Still not worth the 60 bucks.

so ive been watching the third season of the new doctor who and the doctor sai something that made me laugh so hard i fell over!

Jones: so all that magic stuff is real? It's all a bit Harry Potter to me.

Doctor: wait till you read book 7. i cried.

tonights closing night by the way. pretty sure im gonna break down and cry at the end. good bye theater! ill try to see you again some day.

I just listened to a story that my dad has told me at least 3 times now over the years. something about my mom being pissed at him for spending three thousand dollars on the car he wanted instead of the house my mom wanted. He must have explained it more thuroughly this time because i really think he was the jerk.

the irony of the lecture was that the purpose was to explain why he wont let me take the car to arizona to sell over the summer. he said my mom would sell it for more than its worth, buy me a cheaper car and pocket the leftover money. The reason why I was asking was because my mom wanted to buy me a 3,000 dollar car and wanted to see if she could trade the old one in for maybe a 6,000 dollar car for the same price. shes GIVING me 3,000 dollars. i feel like crying.

So I had to sit through my dad explaining that the reason why his last girl friend he was going to marry broke up with him was because of my mother. What happened was my mom called him while he was at her house and he has no self control. He screamed (and I mean SCREAAAAAAMED louder than a fucking DI [and I know the man does it because he has to me once] ) at my mother at his girlfriend's house. He could have at least gone outside of her hearing or left her house whatever. If I had heard anyone do that I would never want to see them again. That's how I felt when he did it to me and he still hasn't apologized. The man is insane. He's paranoid.

The good part is now I don't have to worry about selling the BMW. He said I abandoned it. I did. I just wasn't sure that he wasn't going to make me have it because he didnt want it. All in all, good news.

just alittle update. Im directing the last Zeiger show ever. Thats fun. About as fun as staying at school for zillions of hours every week which is what im doing. i havent been able to sleep in since Guys and Dolls. or arizona. oh well, ill probably be bored in college.

i got my three dollars back!

the nurse took it. how wierd is that? i found it in her desk when i was looking for vikadin(sp?). jk. she gave it to me. i finally used it to buy lunch. yay.